How Mistakes SHOULD Work

I had the pleasure of teaching a parenting class for teens a few years back. It's a wonderful training called: Parent Effectiveness for Resolving Conflict with Your Teen. Since that's a mouthful, it is affectionately called PERC for short. I only taught one seven-week round of it. Turns out that younger children are really more my forte as far as parenting ed goes. But I'm glad I was trained in it, and I will refresh my memory in about seven years to make sure I'm prepared for my own child's teen-hood.

Anyway, there is this tenet in PERC that got repeated every week when we sent the weary and frustrated parents home to try on different perspectives and practice new skills. The snippet important enough to repeat for seven weeks straight was this:

"Mistakes are the primary learning tool for humans."

I have shared this statement over and over--in parenting classes and my personal life. Imagine my delight when this photo popped up in my Facebook feed tonight:

This, my friends, is great advice.

Not being able to "handle" or work through making a mistake is a huge liability. Mistakes are normal! They help us learn! The are the PRIMARY way we learn. Not being able to admit, acknowledge, and learn from a mistake is a BIG problem. It's everywhere. I see it in the adults that surround me daily. DAILY. I believe this stems in part from the way many of us were parented: punitive, punishment-based responses to what were most likely just run-of-the-mill developmentally appropriate behaviors.

This old pattern in our minds is what gets us. It brings on what Brené Brown would probably call a "shame attack" when we make a mistake. Shame is what has us feel that WE are wrong when we make a mistake, instead of that we merely DID wrong.

When we can work through our own conditioning around mistakes, and heal from the pain and shame that we feel when we err, we will be able to lead children toward more quick resolution. Use this great list above with yourself AND your children. I am hopeful that providing this kind of guidance will create different brains for them: ones that don't send them down the shame-laden rabbit hole upon error. Ones that allow them space to communicate, repair, and learn when they do wrong.

Imagine how much more calm, happy, resourceful, kind, and productive humans could be?

Do I want to Nurture the Soul of My Family? Heck yeah!

I am delighted to share with you an excerpt from Nurturing the Soul of Your Family by the insightful Renee Peterson Trudeau. This book grabs you by the hand, leads you to a comfortable chair, and pours you a cup of hot goodness. You can taste, smell and feel the comfort and relief it offers. Ms. Trudeau has a knack for presenting accessible anecdotes that speak to the heart. Looking for a more peaceful family life? Get yourself a copy and read it.  ~Sarah

Upon Arrival, Proceed to Baggage Claim

Relationships of all types can be challenging. In particular, family members, partners, and children often develop a sixth sense for how to push our buttons. For myself, to become less reactive, I’ve had to slowly become more self-aware, compassionate, loving toward myself, and attuned to my needs — which has made me a much more emotionally present parent and partner.

Some of the keys are to show up in our relationships with a soft and open heart, a healthy perspective, and a full cup rather than a half-empty one. Before we can do that, however, we have to examine ourselves: we have to release and heal old self-limiting beliefs by understanding what we’re holding on to and why.

We all have emotional baggage. Ever heard the phrase “the issues are in the tissues”? Our beliefs, scars, and old patterns from our family lineage, childhood, culture, education, and birth order all significantly affect our worldview and habitual ways of being. These, in turn, guide how we show up and relate to our family members.

Some days we get easily triggered. Maybe our child not putting their dirty clothes in the laundry room sends us over the edge, while other days they could break the front door and we’d just roll with it. Our state of being has the most impact on how we respond to external circumstances. Some days we receive the gift of observing when we’re stuck in an old pattern or way of seeing things, and other times we just feel stuck, or else constantly critical or judgmental, thinking of our partner or children: “If they’d just listen to me, we’d all be happier!”

When this happens, look inward to see if you have any unclaimed baggage. For instance, when my son, Jonah, was about to turn ten, he and I went through a really difficult patch. He’s a beautiful, passionate, mature, intense kid, and as he reached adolescence, his level of defiance at times overwhelmed me. A simple request to finish homework or put his dirty dishes in the sink could invoke an emotional tsunami. Since I have a tendency to be controlling, our interactions were a Molotov cocktail.

After a particularly hard stretch involving lots of crying jags (mostly mine), I called Terri, a parent educator, and asked if my husband and I could see her for a session. I was exhausted from the stressful interchanges and needed help. After I explained our situation, Terri turned to me and gently shared, “You are going through mourning — Jonah is no longer a child. He’s an adolescent.” Terri went on to highlight some of the science around early-adolescent behavior and how best to support my son; in short, offer love and acceptance, not solutions and tips for improvement. After that illuminating session, things got much easier in our home — not yellow-brick-road happy, but the crying and yelling diminished greatly. 

In part, the improvement occurred because my husband and I tweaked our language and gave Jonah more freedom, but mostly things changed because my husband and I shifted ourselves internally. We realized we were holding unrealistic, supersized fears that were causing us to be overly critical; our heads had become filled with visions of our out-of-control nine-year-old turning into a sixteen-year-old heroin addict. We were “parenting from the future” and from our own fears and wounds, rather than from the present moment, which was what our son most needed. This aha moment and shift in our awareness are what created the big shift in our family dynamic that we needed. Often we have to break down in order to break through.

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Life balance coach/speaker Renée Peterson Trudeau is the author of the new book Nurturing the Soul of Your Family.  Thousands of women in ten countries are participating in Personal Renewal Groups based on her first book, the award-winning The Mother’s Guide to Self-Renewal. Visit her online at www.ReneeTrudeau.com

Excerpted from the new book Nurturing the Soul of Your Family ©2013 Renée Peterson Trudeau.  Published with permission of New World Library http://www.newworldlibrary.com

Compete or Cooperate?

It is very easy to encourage competition in your child. Don’t think you’re biased toward competition? You probably are—I know I am. Along with individualism and independence, these three are the American creed—the water in which we all swim. However, I would like to draw your attention away from it for a brief moment in time. I know, I know, it’s very bright and shiny in competition-land. There is glory, prestige, and WINNING to be had. I get it. But let me take a moment to introduce you to my friend cooperation over here.

While competition may be the “new normal,” cooperation has gotten the human race pretty far. Think of modern medicine, check out the great pyramids, or just take just take a peek inside an early childhood classroom—none of that happened without coordinated cooperation among many human beings. The first hurdle in creating more emphasis on cooperation is in knocking competition off its pedestal. We become so hyper-focused on skill-building and fact-acquiring that we easily forget that we are not just bodies, or giant walking brains. We have hearts and souls; we are emotional creatures. Sit with that just for a minute. Take a breath. Exhale.

Competition without the temperance of cooperation is lonely and isolating. Even within the context of sports, both are needed—that’s called teamwork. Now don’t throw out the proverbial baby with the bathwater. I’m not saying we need to eschew competition entirely. I’m just suggesting you refocus from time to time on cooperation too. Here are three easy ways to highlight it for your child:

• Promote games and activities that require children to work together. When given the chance, kids love the community-minded fun of charades, obstacle courses, and scavenger hunts. Or check out some non-competitive board games like Ravensburger’s Roads, Rivers, and Rails or Richard Scarry’s Busytown Eye Found It.

• Notice and narrate times when your children are cooperative. So often we find ourselves saying things like “You did it all by yourself!” because we’re delighted by a child’s independence, or “You won!” when we can see they’ve really tried. Just remember to also say something when they ask for help or work with a friend. Interdependence, collaboration, and cooperation should be as highly valued. Try, “You two really worked together on that project—you made quite a team.”

• Model cooperation in your words and deeds. It’s the good news and the bad news: Your child is always watching what you say and do. And we all know that the “Do as I say” line just doesn’t work. Make sure your child has ample opportunities to see you cooperate and negotiate. If winning is always held up as the highest (or only) goal, kids will learn to shy away from risk-taking, and we’ll set them up for a lifetime of disappointment.

So moms and dads—get out there and cooperate! Show your kids how to work well with others and model the “try-fail-persevere-succeed” cycle. Reveal the benefits of cooperation and collaboration and take notice when your children engage in these important life skills for themselves.

RESOURCES:
For children: Yo! Yes? by Chris Rasehka and Swimmy by Leo Lionni.

For grown-ups: Mind in the Making: The Seven Essential Life Skills Every Child Needs, by Ellen Galinsky and NurtureShock: New Thinking About Children, by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman

~from the March/April 2013 issue of Parent & Family

Worst. Vacation. Ever.

I was all set to have eleven long days off. The first Saturday was supposed to start with my husband taking our son to the last swimming lesson of the session--such a nice kick-off to my vacation: getting to sleep in.

But NOOOOOOOOO.....

I drifted off after thinking they had left only to be awakened shortly thereafter by the pitter-patter of four-year-old feet. I asked Rich, "What happened to swimming?"

"He doesn't feel good, and seems to be coughing," was his answer. Here's how my vacation turned out:

Saturday: fever, coughing, no appetite, me spoon feeding oatmeal, Josh vomiting oatmeal, fever, cough, cough. Some very brave friends who had kids who were already coughing anyway came to visit, as did my bother and sister-in-law.

Sunday: coughing, fever, runny nose, no appetite (let the boy starve!), cough, 103.5, "my head hurts," Xopenex nebulizer, cough. My courageous sister-in-law and her boyfriend bring dinner to us. Josh goes to bed at 6:30 pm.

Monday: cough, fever, cough, cough, snot. Josh watches Diego on Netflix all day long. My parents who probably already had the virus come over and bring dinner. A highlight of my day is driving to the drugstore to get cold-fighting supplies to the tune of $80 (and wine for the grown-ups--when did drugstores start carrying alcohol?--genius!).

Tuesday: (Merry Christmas!!) Coughing, fever, runny nose. My husband starts the day off saying he doesn't feel well. He spends much of Christmas morning accused of merely having a hangover from the wine I bought at Rite-Aid, but when he disappears before presents are even open and I find him wrapped in a blanket on the futon, I know I'm in trouble. Lots of helping hands get us through the day.

Wednesday: BOTH son AND husband are coughing, fever, runny nose, cranky. Actually, Joshua's fever is down, but I still take him to the doctor and hide out at my parent's house for the afternoon. Josh falls asleep on our way home at 4:30 pm and transfers to bed and STAYS ASLEEP ALL NIGHT until 7:30 in the morning!!

Thursday: Rich is miserable, Josh's fever comes back. Tea, fluids, honey cough syrup, homeopathic remedies, Motrin. I'm surrounded by coughing. Oh, and it's snowing. A lot.

Part of this vacation was supposed to be a couple-day road trip to visit my grandmother and some other lovely relatives, but that was thwarted by the sicknesses and the fact that my uncle's father is on his deathbed.

While I was making multiple phone calls to said relatives to decide if we should still visit, (because I'm the kind of person who just can't. let. go., even when people are extremely sick and others are actually DYING) I accidentally flooded the ground floor bathroom straight through to the basement because I forgot that I was running water to fill the bathtub since it was snowing and we could lose power and my husband was incapacitated and what if we needed to flush??? 

This led to the adrenaline fueled use of every single towel in my house to mop up the water. Which led to the largest pile of laundry you are likely to have ever seen. I was going to take a photo, but by the time I got in there with my camera, much of it had been folded--by my awesome husband who is THANK GOD feeling better. That pile was about the size of your average sofa. Every time I looked at it, or tossed another heap from the dryer (and had no energy for folding) I'd think to myself, "At least it's clean!"

Friday, Saturday, and Sunday were much improved, so maybe I should have entitled this post "Worst. Half- Vacation. Ever. But where's the drama in that?

I'm just glad everyone's feeling better.

We Are Broken. We Can Heal.

I’ve had it. I’ve absolutely completely had it. I am fed up with the violence, the greed, and the extreme short-sightedness of our species. With the news of the second (seemingly) random shooting of the week, I have logged off and quit work for the day. I cannot sit one second longer without speaking up.

We are all so lost. We are wandering among a million other broken souls. We are at war with each other. Jada Pinkett Smith issued a statement about women and men last week. She wisely noted, “When woman is lost, so is man.” WE ARE SO LOST. Our culture of greed and misogyny and violence is SO LOST. We cannot go backward. We cannot retreat. We have to keep moving. But first, we have to grieve.

We have to grieve the twenty children who died in Connecticut today.  And the six adults.

We have to grieve the prevalence of hatred, intolerance, and vindictiveness.

We have to grieve the way we have treated each other.

We have to grieve rape and genocide and war.

We have to grieve those who look around, say “screw this,” and commit suicide.

But, do you know how? Do you really know how to grieve? I do not intend to cast stones, but this story, and a million more a day should wreck you. The tragedy and horror should stop you in your tracks and break your heart wide open into a flood of tears. And yet, there is SO MUCH PAIN. We hear so many stories, but we cannot afford to be jaded. Women, you have more practice with this. Call a friend. Share the awful burden of what has become of our human family. We cannot afford to become any more emotionally bankrupt than we already are. Men, trust your feelings. Know that they are not a weakness. Parents, you can guide your children in this way.

We must teach our children to be emotionally intelligent. Feelings are just feelings, but they don’t exist for no reason. Feelings keep us connected to ourselves and our bodies. Emotions are messages from ourselves to ourselves, and we have to listen. We have to feel these feelings: hurt, fear, rage. Children are quite good at this. We have to learn from them and remember to NOT stop them short. Do not distract with a cookie, or bribe, or punish, or give “consequences.”

I recall a meltdown that my son had about a bowl. You know how toddlers can be: it was the WRONG bowl. I reframed this outburst and told myself: “It’s not about the bowl, it’s just about the release of emotion.” I held the limit about the bowl and I held space for his big, messy, outrageous feelings. Not because I’m spoiling him. Not because I think he should “get” to have a fit about every little thing. Merely because that was what he was feeling. So I honored it. I let him grieve the bowl. Later, or perhaps not as later as I’d like, he will have much bigger things to grieve. I want to make sure he knows how.

A few days ago I posted this status update on my Facebook page: When my child is melting down, I have to tell myself: "This is not a problem I have to solve, or a behavior I need to correct. It's merely an emotional outbust I am called to hold space for and be with. My calm, loving presence will offer him the safe harbor he requires to learn to calm himself. The more he practices, the better he will be at this." I was excited because it was the first post of mine that got significant viral exposure. However with that came the first hateful comment on my page. In response to my kindhearted advice, someone wrote: “I just told my kid to shut the fu*k up.” Why someone would be proud to post that I will never know. I didn’t bother to respond. I just hid it from my feed and moved on. But if I was going to respond, I would have said:

Sir, your child is a human being. Telling him or her to shut-up, even without the vulgar language, is just plain ignorant. You are ignorant to the fact that human feelings are the roots of empathy, and that empathy is the glue for human connectedness and the foundation of kindness. Empathy breeds compassion and compassion is the best way to learn to tolerate the extreme feelings of vulnerability we all feel. You are ignorant to how isolating your cold, mean words are and to how alone and scared your child feels when you treat him or her that way. You are clueless to the fact that isolation fuels loneliness, and loneliness fuels violence. We cannot afford more violence. Feelings, love, and empathy are NOT weakness. This is what will save our sad, sad, little species from ourselves. Please rethink your approach with your child.

Our hearts are breaking and this is exactly right. Feel your feelings. Make space for them. Make space for your child’s feelings. Normalize tears. Normalize anger. Teach love, kindness, and acceptance by showing them, giving them, living them. Grieve. Hold your children when they cry about a bowl. Understand. Say “I know that’s hard, you wanted a different bowl.” Hold yourself and your friends as we break under the weight of this awfulness in Connecticut.

This is grief. It is the only way.

Rethinking Fear

What role does fear play in parenting? Primitive, biological, and extremely useful, fear is not something I want to discount, but I do think it deserves close examination. Fear is sometimes necessary for survival, but—here the kicker—not usually. The fear response in our brains, the physical structures and chemical reactions, are very, very old. Gavin DeBecker, in his national bestseller, The Gift of Fear, says that true fear is a gift, an intuitive message that should always be heeded. On the flip side, he calls unwarranted fear (also known as worry) a curse—it just doesn’t serve us. A lot of the fear we feel as parents falls into the worry category, though some is gut panic. Then there is the fear we use as parents—is that ever useful? Let’s take a look at both kinds.

We get scared for any number of reasons. A couple of examples: our two-year-old runs into the street or our four-year-old throws a tantrum of shocking vileness and force. When either of these things happens we are no longer thinking well. Also, we are no longer in present time.

Step one is to recognize this. When your amygdala hijacks your prefrontal cortex and floods your body with adrenaline and cortisol, you are no longer a rational human. You are in fight or flight mode. I’m guessing we agree that that’s not the best place to parent from. Remember that your brain has been taken over, your thinking mind is diminished, and your perception of the situation likely skewed.

Step two is to BREATHE. When you breathe, you reconnect to yourself and your body in the present time. When you snatch your child from a busy street you are still imagining them injured or dead, even though that didn’t happen. You have projected yourself into an imaginary future. Sure, that tantrum was awful, but your preschooler did not mean those awful things he said, and will not end up in therapy or prison. I promise. These are tricks a fearful mind plays—an old response to a new situation. In our modern day world, safety is usually restored very quickly. There is no actual need to fight or run, despite what your body is telling you. Breathing will slow things way down and help remind you of this: You are safe.

Step three is to not perpetuate the fear. Here’s where we start to use fear as parents. We swat the child who darted into the road, hoping that pain will scare her into never doing it again. We yell at the four year-old to pull it together, or we separate him in a time-out until he can behave better. Both yelling and time-out are fear-based punishments—the former creates fear of a parent’s anger and the latter brings fear of the withdrawal of a parent’s attention, closeness, and love. (Ironically, a child who has lost control of their emotions and behavior will regulate much more quickly and efficiently with a calm adult near them, rather than being sent away and isolated.)

Punishments of any kind are fear based, and often consequences are just thinly veiled punishments. I had a discussion with a nice gentleman about this recently. In his efforts to convince me of the necessity of enforced consequences, he inquired about my driving habits and noted that I likely drove the speed limit because of the risk of receiving a ticket (consequence!) if I did not. (I often hear the “You wouldn’t work if you didn’t get a paycheck” argument for justifying the use of reward systems with children, but I digress.)

Sticking with the same analogy, here’s what is true: I do not drive crazy fast, not because I could get a ticket, but because I have learned that it is dangerous and stupid. Now, do I never speed? No, I often do drive five or so miles over the speed limit. Sometimes out of absent-mindedness, sometimes because I’m running late. The possibility of receiving a ticket doesn’t actually deter me from this type of speeding. If I see a police officer along the way of course I slow down, because the enforcer of the consequence is near. In this same way, children who are taught to obey out of fear of authority will obey only when the authority is present.

Don’t we want children to be intrinsically motivated to behave well, to have understanding of why they are being guided to behave in certain ways and not in others? Children who are motivated by fear learn to be sneaky to avoid punishment. With fear, the true goal of discipline—to teach—is completely lost. This topic reminds me of a classic Albert Einstein quote, one that epitomizes my quest to elevate parenting beyond a fear-based model: “If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.”

Refresh Your Parenting in 2013!

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